In news linking technology and bikes in a funny, non-socially offensive way, the Washington Post reported on a humorous encounter between a fixed-gear cyclist and one of the Google Autonomous cars. According to the article, the slight motions created by the cyclist executing a track stand triggered the car to stop.

It apparently detected my presence … and stayed stationary for several seconds. it finally began to proceed, but as it did, I rolled forward an inch while still standing. The car immediately stopped…

^{— Washington Post, http://goo.gl/LlqH25}

Track stands always have been an exciting, thrilling and reckless thing – as this video clearly demonstrates

We can all be jerks sometimes. During my 10 mile commute to and from the office every day I get a lot of time to observe assholery on the streets of San Francisco. No… this is NOT going to be a rant about drivers behaving badly. In fact, I feel pretty good about riding a bike on these city streets. No… this is about assholery by fellow cyclists.

If you roll through a stop sign or red light, don’t chew someone out if they yell at you.

Suck it up buttercup – you broke the law. I’m not saying you should or should not come to a complete stop, but it seems pretty stupid to get into a shouting match with someone (probably a driver or pedestrian) that watched you do it. I’ve rolled. Most of us have. And I know damn well that I am breaking the law when I do it. There are a lot of good reasons for us doing this, but until we manage to convince lawmakers of those reasons, the law does in fact actually apply to us. Be like the duck.

Don’t get pissed at the car that is “blocking” the bike lane at a red light waiting to make a right hand turn.

This one really irks me. You ever notice how the bike lane line turns to a broken line as you near an intersection? That is because the right thing for a car to do is to actually change lanes into the bike lane in preparation for a right hand turn (or left hand turn on a 1 way street.) It is better for everyone, and creates a clear path for you to go around the car on the left. In fact, they’ll possibly get stuck there waiting for pedestrians, essentially blocking vehicle traffic through the intersection, giving you a free and clear path on the left. Don’t know how many times I’ve seen cyclists stacked up behind a car turning right, gesticulating wildly in frustration.

Hell, while we’re at it why not even be nice and take the lane, occupying the far left side of the right hand lane if you are going straight. This creates a space for cars to get between you and the curb if they are trying to take the free right on a red light. And it puts you squarely in the field of view of the cars behind you, while also putting you in a location that cross traffic will be looking. Everyone wins…

Don’t change your tube in the middle of a bike path

This seems like it should just be common sense, but I’ve actually witnessed this happening. What the hell people…

Speaking of tubes…

Don’t leave your punctured tube on the side of the road

Again… seems like it should just be common sense. Unfortunately you can usually determine how popular a cycling route is by the amount of discarded tubes and GU packages left laying on the ground.

In the immortal words of David Bernstein – Enjoy the Ride.

Just a short, simple observation for you today. I’ve noticed a good thing, and a bad thing, about the “hands free” or “no texting while driving” laws enacted across the country.

Good Thing:

Fewer distracted drivers on the road, looking at where they are going instead of LOLing the latest selfie from their bestie.

Bad Thing:

An increase in the number of people parked in the bike lane, having pulled over to LOL the latest selfie from their bestie.

… You win some, you lose some.

Ahhh Twitter. One could create a pretty strong argument that Twitter’s popularity among cyclists is a direct result of EPO. One could also argue that it is simply the easiest way to share your race success with your friends and fans while still gasping for air at the finish line.

So, in a fashion not unlike Follow Friday (but clearly not #FF, because that is all messed up lately) I thought I’d throw out some of the names I follow. This list is by no means complete, nor should you assume that someone that I do not follow is not worth following. But of you are looking for something else to consume data on your smartphone’s data plan, here’s some good ones to follow:

Pro Cyclists and Teams

• Jens Voigt @thejensie – #ShutUpLegs had to be a thing.
• Chris Horner @hornerakg – Because who doesn’t want to wonder why the hell ‘akg’ is in his handle
• Emily Kachorek @EmilyKachorek – Bad ass cyclist from VanderKitten
• Vanderkitten @vanderkitten – Because they’re full of bad ass cyclists like Emily Kachorek. And they also seem to have this whole social media thingy nailed.
• Jonathan Vaughters @Vaughters – Has some funny stuff to say sometimes. And knows a thing or two about cycling
• Johan Bruyneel @JohanBruyneel – He says a ton of funny stuff too. Unfortunately it is usually when he is actually being serious.
• Alberto Contador @albertocontador – We all need a reason to work on our spanish.
• Team Sky @TeamSky – They taught me that Brits race bikes too.
• Fabian Cancellara @f_cancellara – Apparently his tweets are sexier than everyone else’s.
• Cadel Evans @CadelOfficial – It is fun to read his tweets with an Australian accent.
• Phil Southerland @PhilSoutherland – Because diabetic cyclists kick ass. I know from personal experience.

Cycling Media Folks – Bloggers, journalists, photographers, etc

• Veloimages @veloimages – Nice guys taking beautiful pictures. ‘Nuf said.
• Richard Masoner @cyclelicious – Guy spits out blog posts like a sub-machine gun.
• Ted Rogers @bikinginla – Because he’s on the VeloReviews home page.
• VeloReviews @veloreviews – Because I’m under contract to plug them.
• Bike Hugger @bikehugger – Because. Just because.

Tweet away folks…

So… yea. Been a die-hard, no-knobby-tire-having, lycra-loving roadie for a while. My idea of getting dirty is road grime in the rain. But like all things, I’m open to evidence that may cause me to change my position. So – I present this counter-argument:

A 22-year-old man suffered an erection for seven weeks after a mountain bike crash. The hard-on finally subsided after two weeks of medical treatment in a hospital.

Hmmm… perhaps I stand corrected. *cough* *cough*

Update: And you thought that I had my tongue firmly placed into my cheek – check out this article. Puns abound!

There is a rather large and growing collection of humours, self-deprecating, but often true songs and music videos that folks have made regarding cycling.  Usually these poke fun at some of the more eccentric aspects and stereotypes of the cycling culture.  I thought it was about time someone put together a list of the best of them. Of course, this is just my opinion, and is therefore fact…

Number 7: Bike-Friendly City (funny song about bike safety in Toronto)

Obstensibly a bicycle saftey piece, but we all know that no one listens if we talk about bike safety seriously.  So lets try it with a little humor:

Number 6: SRSLY

Just try and make it past the Cliff Shot slurping scene in the beginning…

Number 5: Le Velo

The first entry from Robin Moore – the only guy to make my list not once, but three times.  This video probably would have ranked higher if he had chosen a better wine.

Number 4: Get Dirty

After poking fun at the euro crowd, Robin Moore goes after the MTB set.  Truth be told though, you may want to hold off on watching this one until you’ve watched the rest of the list.  There are references in this video to the number one video on our list.

Number 3: All You Haters ( Suck …censored… )

Something about making fun of anger is hysterically funny to me – and a heck of a lot better than actually being angry.  Warning – if you would be offended on a Juniur High School camups by the language, you should skip this video…

Number 2: Motherf<censored>ing Bike

Yes.  They swear.  A lot. But again, making fun of anger is just too enjoyable. Yes – this is the genesis of that famous “Tour de F*** You.”  Nearly every stereotype of urban cycling culture is in here.  In truth it was a very hard decision to decide the actual order of the top two.  Ultimately it came down to seniority alone.

Ooooh – and it is in HD!

Numero Uno: Performance

For me this is the first and still best bicycle music video.  The third entry from Robin Moore.  If you do nothing else in your cycling life, get this stuck in your head on your next ride.  Eminently quotable – ‘Cause its all about performance…

And speaking of quotable, one final thought:

Cyclist excuse day?  But isn’t it Thanksgiving?

Yes.  Yes it is.  Thanksgiving is the day when, all across the country, countless individuals, groups and clubs are going out on casual or social rides with friends and competitors.  It is a time to get on the bike in full kit to ride 12 miles an hour for less than 20 miles and never break a sweat.  So why the odd ritual?

Well, Thanksgiving day social rides are first and foremost an excuse.  They are a justification banked for later in the day when weight-conscious racers (and wanna-be weight conscious racers) will allow themselves an extra slice of pumpkin pie.  Mashed potatoes and stuffing will flow down the gullets of our TDay Social Riders.  Because, well, they all rode went for a ride this morning.  Of course they can take on more carbs, for they burned thousands (errr… a couple of hundred tops) calories on the morning ride.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve got nothing against a good social ride.  I’ll be the first to advocate the fact that wattage, cadence and total feet of climbing can and should be irrelevant on some of your rides.  Don’t turn it into a regimented training ordeal every single time you throw a leg over the saddle.  We all started riding because we love it, and we should slow down and enjoy it from time to time.

Just don’t expect me to buy your story that you are “replenishing spent carbs” when you reach for that second helping…

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Look out fellow lycrarians™.  The Cycle Chic crowd has a manifesto – so you know they’re up to something.

First they start toddling around town on vintage bicycles.

Then they bring back leather handle bar wrappings – for shame!

But a manifesto!  Nothing says “crazy radical agenda” like a manifesto.

Let’s examine this manifesto in more detail, shall we?

I choose to cycle chic and, at every opportunity, I will choose Style over Speed.
Now just a darn minute there.  Speed is style, right??

I embrace my responsibility to contribute visually to a more aesthetically pleasing urban landscape.
It’s like I always say – “Bicycle seats make butts look better.”  Take that however you’d like.

I am aware that my mere prescence in said urban landscape will inspire others without me being labelled as a ‘bicycle activist’.
Of course you’re an activist – you have a manifesto!

I will ride with grace, elegance and dignity.
Hmmm.  I wonder what that looks like…

I will choose a bicycle that reflects my personality and style.
No problem there.  I’m thinking “Expensive and Italian” right now.

I will, however, regard my bicycle as transport and as a mere supplement to my own personal style. Allowing my bike to upstage me is unacceptable.
Hmmmmm…..

I will endeavour to ensure that the total value of my clothes always exceeds that of my bicycle.
Wow.  I’ve gotta find some more expensive kits.

I will accessorize in accordance with the standards of a bicycle culture and acquire, where possible, a chain guard, kickstand, skirt guard, fenders, bell and basket.
Ewwwwww!

I will respect the traffic laws.
No comment.

I will refrain from wearing and owning any form of ‘cycle wear’. The only exception being a bicycle helmet – if I choose to exercise my freedom of personal choice and wear one. (and make an effort to understand the science of helmets)
…and I will accomplish this by wearing my team kit 24 hours a day, 7 days a week thus making it “normal wear” instead of “cycle wear”

The whole Cycle Chic concept is amazingly successful, however.  Practically a franchise.  And it gets folks out riding.  So maybe, instead of poking fun at it (again and again) what I should do is get started on the Just Another Cyclist Manifesto immediately!

Cheers to you – la bcicletta fashionistas!

What if the personal ads were filled with cyclists?

EMC (Elite Male Cyclist) seeks EFC.  Interested in races and rides – both group and individual training.  Love hills.  Ride a Trek and I prefer that my ladies do too.  Sorry – but ‘bent riders need not respond, no wheel sucks and definitely no dopers!  Pack filler is OK if they know how to carry the water bottles.  Max wattage of at least 300 over 5 minutes, please.

Beautiful Tweed Girl wants Male companion. I love slow rides through downtown, parks and trails.  You must know how to wax your handlebars – both on your bike and on your upper lip!  No hidden lycra in the closet.  Its all wool -all the time – for this girl.  Coffee or tea, not beer or liquor.  If you show up to our first date on a penny-farthing you’ve got a leg up on the rest of the boys.  And if you get that pun, you’re the guy for me!

Give me a Tri! FTW (Fit triathlete woman) seeks male marathoner, du- or tri- athlete to share training and nutrition trials and tribulations.  Training partnerships to start, and if things go well mutual post-event leg massages.  Ultra-marathoners and bare foot running fanatics scare me, sorry.

Male bike wrench seeks girl with bike. Is your chain skipping?  Wheel out of true?  Than this guy’s for you.  Looking for someone to share advice with.  This guy will keep your ride running in top shape.  If you spend a lot of time talking about the last shop you went to and what they did for you – I’m not interested.

In an odd series of connections I found a great video of tips for cyclists, given from the point of view of a driver.  This was actually posted over 3 years ago on Brian Acord’s blog over at GreenWheels.org.  Brian is actually a fellow CycleFolsom member and ride leader.  Yup – I’m referring to that Brian.  Have a look at the video – and share it with friends and family!